iThink

It's been an amazingly long time since I've written anything down. Right now in this moment I want to write a lot, but I probably shouldn't. Time will tell what I should have written and what I shouldn't have written. I think I'll try to keep most of my thoughts to myself.

These past couple of months have been really good for me. I've been happier than I've been in a long time.

I'll stop there.

It must have been the Chemicals

As I rolled out from under the truck that I was working on and looked up into the sky it looked as if I was looking at world from above in the sky. Everything seemed upside down for a minute like I was floating in the sky and looking down. I could have laid there most of the day just staring into the sky and thinking about nothing and everything.

Then I remembered, "fuck, I broke another tool". This thought brought reality back into my brain. So I got up and cleaned the transmission fluid off of my face and arms. As I walked across the alley to the shop to replace the tool I had broken I thought, I should right about the sky today and how I broke another tool.

It was another beautiful day in L.A. The weather is starting to warm up a bit so this allows me to ride my motorcycle without freezing my ass off. Right now I spend a lot of time alone in the shop that I'm at. Because of this I have a lot of time to think. Which can be a bad thing. It can be a good thing also, but you know that saying "idle hands....", the same can be said for an idle mind.

I know it's early, but everything for the most part has started out pretty good this year. Hopefully it's a sign of things to come for the rest of the year. I'll try to make it as good as I can. I'll try to keep my tool breaking to a minimum and I'll try to enjoy the things that are already there for me in life. Like the sky.

One Last Time

The year has ended. It came and went. It seemed incredibly short. This past year by far was the most difficult year I have ever experienced. My heart still aches from it. My pulse races thinking of it. That was 2006.

This new year is open for new memories and hopefully much joy for me and all of you. There are people that I thank god are in my life, and there are people that I thank god I had in my life.

It's hard for me to admit my thoughts some times, but if I cant say them out loud then they will destroy me from within. It's been five months since my heart was broken. It may seem like a long time to some. For me it has gone by in the blink of an eye. It seems like just yesterday I was completely happy. All I had to do is wake up next to her and tell her I love you and anything that was bothering me went away.

If you still read this, there hasn't been one day that has passed that I haven't thought about you. Not one day has gone by were your smile fades from my memory, your laugh, your tears, they're all still there. If you still read this Inez, I still miss you. I wish you happiness this new year and I hope your tears will fade unlike my memories of you.

To all of my friends who read this, which is not much, I wish you the best this new year. Justin, Marco, Niki, Melissa, Michaela and Inez, be well, take care, you're all always in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm supposed to know this

Today I started full time at my new job as an Auto Tech. This is the first job where I'm nervous. I think It's the feeling that you get when you get something that you want and you're afraid you're going to fuck it up. You got it and now it's up to you to lose. Seeing as this is my first job in this field I had no idea what to expect. It's funny coming from school where I was studying all of this crap I thought I new a lot and that I was ahead of the curve. Then reality sinks in when you start working with the pros. And it turns out I don't know shit.

My boss sort of laughed when I told him. He understood what I was feeling, but he told me not to worry. He told me they were going to pull me down and throw me on the ground then step on me a little. He also told me that this is what it takes to make myself a better person there, that I would get up stronger, tougher and smarter. It kind of made me feel better. I know they'll be doing whatever they do because that's the way I'm going to learn, but man it is a little intimidating. Good times.

Yesterday I had two finals, one for my brake class which was fairly easy and the other was my automotive electronics class which I thought I was going to bomb the hands on portion. Turns out I passed! Not only did I pass but I was one of the few to pass. That's a load off my chest. Seeing as I don't go to school now at least not for the winter (I'll start up again in spring), I was wondering how I was going to keep myself busy. So I decided to keep my job at Starbucks. Starting today I will work every single day, that is until I can't take it. My buddy Marco and my brother give it a month, they tell me it's because at that point I would have worked 30 days non stop and I'll hate it. We'll see. I think it will keep me out of trouble. That and tools for my new job are expensive as hell!!!

To put the tools into perspective I have a set of Craftsman tools that I bought over a year ago. I think the set was about 150 bucks. Now I'm buying a new set of tools from Snap-On and for less tools than I already own It's costing me over 2 thousand dollars. Damn that stung. The thing is after working a full day at the shop today I realized I'm no where near done buying tools. Damn. It's cool though I love them, it's like new toys for me to play with, all of the shiny chrome brings a smile to my face.

So that was a short update of what's going on with me. Every day I see something that makes me want to write about it but I don't. I think I've been lazy lately. I'll try to write more, there are a lot of things that inspire me lately. Take care my peeps.

Tis The Season

Let me start this with a short story. Once upon a time, not terribly long ago there lived a boy who didn't have much in the world. He had his family (sort of), his brothers, but most importantly there were people in the world who apparently cared about people like him. By "people like him", I mean poor, unable to have the "normal" things in life people.

This boy would stand in line every week with his mother waiting for food to be handed out. A few grocery bags were a godsend for them. He would run to the park every day during the summer for a free lunch and games to play with other kids just as poor. The park was a highlight of his day. Finding a huge cardboard box from some recently bought appliance was a delight for him and his friends, it provided hours of entertainment. His imagination ran rampant with all of the possibilities this new found "fortress" provided. He missed his dad. He wished that his dad didn't have to work so far away to try and provide for his family. All he really wanted was to have him home for the holidays. He didn't really care for the presents, all he wanted was his family.

Presents. When it means your family has to be away for you to have them you don't want them. This boy would rather do without, but knowing that his father would be away and the money that he sent would only be enough for some food and rent, he did secretly wish for some new toy. Just like the other "normal" families. But he never asked, he was ashamed to ask for something so trivial when they barely had enough.

Some of the memories that will always stay with him is going with his mother and brother to church a few days before Christmas. There he would receive a free meal with his family and at the end of it he would be given a toy, him and his younger brother. It was great. He had his Christmas gift, the one he was ashamed to ask for. The memory of that toy is faint, but the memory of the joy that he felt will live with him forever.

Now that he has grown he understands that the toy and gifts that he received all those Christmas' ago, were from people who gave of themselves the little extra that they could to help "people like him".

I know this story well and I can tell it a few different ways. I can do this because all of those Christmas' ago I was so happy when I received my gift along with my brother. I was thankful for the food my family received every week. I was overjoyed when I was able to see my dad for a few hours every few months at a time. I know this story well because it's mine.

This story is why every year I try to give whatever extra that I have to Charity. A toy costs me a few bucks, but the joy that it brings a child is priceless. Believe me I know this first hand. This year I am trying to give what little extra that I can, it is very little this year. But I will not fail to give. Every latte you buy, every beer, every movie you rent, everything you treat yourself to, think, what can these few bucks provide someone who has close to nothing. Ask yourself, can I live without a beer tonight or a movie rental this week and buy a complete stranger something just because?

This year I started a collection at my job for toys to donate to an organization "Toys For Tots", they in turn distribute all of the toys to local shelters and churches. I ask all of you that still read this blog of mine to please give this year. I know most of you personally and if you buy something to donate I'd be more than happy to pick it up from you. If you read this and we can't keep in touch like that, then please remember there is someone out there who would really appreciate your kindness. Please donate somewhere, it does make a difference in someones life. It made a difference in mine, it was a part of what makes me the man that I am today.

Tis the season, to bring happiness to someone, to shape a life, to feel good about yourself, to . . . . . . .

Thankful

The things that I have to be thankful for are many, my family, my health (sort of), and most importantly my friends. There are many other things I can list but those are the top few. Friends are the family God never gave you. There's the saying that "you're born into your family, but you chose your friends". I feel I've made some great choices. I'm lucky I guess. I'm thankful I know.

It's amazing that this year is almost over. I swear this year has been one of the shortest years ever! I think February had only like 8 days, I mean that's the only way I can explain the shortness of this year! It must have been one of those "leap" years. Well whatever the case, I'm telling you this year seems amazingly short to me. This year was also very trying for me. It by far has been one of the, if not the hardest year of my life.

Last year I left a great paying job on the verge of receiving a large raise. I wasn't happy. Last year I realized I didn't want to live my life doing something that didn't make me happy, no matter how much money I made. I took a "part time" job, actually now that I think about it, it wasn't really part time. I mean I worked 38 hours a week so I was just 2 hours shy of being "full time". I quickly realized that 15 units of school and working 38 hours was a bit more than I expected.

That was the reason I left, I was returning to school to follow a dream that I've had since I was a child. I want to work with cars. When I was a kid I dreamt of designing engines for automobiles. I wanted to look at cars driving down the street and say "I made that". After attempting to become a Mechanical Engineer, I quickly realized that math wasn't my strongest subject. So that dream faded away, but the desire was still in me. After achieving a point in my "career" that I thought I'd be happy with, I realized I wasn't. I realized that I wanted to be happy and money wasn't everything in life. That's when I quit and went back to school. Mechanical Engineering was out of the question but I still want to see an automobile either rolling down the street or on television and be able to say "I made that".

I'm going back to school to learn Auto Technology, or in easier to understand words, I want to be a mechanic. My goal is to open my own shop in the not too distant future and lean towards performance oriented work. Eventually I'd love to be somewhat of a "So-Cal Speed Shop". I want people to bring in their cars and intrust them to me so that I can turn them into the tire melting power plants that will capture the attention of all people within ear shot of my creation. It will take time, but the excitement I get from just imaging it is proof enough that I'm doing the right thing.

The decision to leave my previous job was hard, but I did it with a goal. I immediately enrolled in school and told myself that I would give myself at the most 2 years to be employed in some type of auto repair/performance related field. I told myself that if in 2 years I hadn't done this then this would have been the single worst decision I have ever made. If you know me, you probably know I trust my decisions unconditionally. I believe in myself, I've gotten myself this far, I can push myself further, I know I can.

Last week I accepted a job as an Auto Tech in a reputable car shop, more than a year ahead of the time frame that I had given myself. I start my new job in about 3 weeks. I'm happy. I'm thankful for the opportunity that I gave myself to be happy. I'm thankful that I believe in myself enough to take a risk. My life has been full of decisions, hard ones, but I feel I did my best in every situation to be true to my dreams and beliefs. It has been a hard year, I'm sure I'll mention it again but like I told a friend of mine last night "with every door that closes a new one opens". I know it's an old cheesy saying but this year more than any, it rings true for me. There are doors that have not fully closed for me yet but I'm okay with that too, I still move forward towards my dreams.

I'm thankful that I've had this year to grow. Gnarls Barkley - Crazy, I loved that song the first time I heard it, now it will always remind me of this year. I'm thankful that I've met the people that I have this year. I'm thankful for the experiences I will never forget. There is no amount of money that could have bought me the memories that I will have forever from this year. I'm thankful.

Safety In Numbers

It is said that there is safety in numbers. Well how about 20,000. That sound safe enough? I tell you that it sure as hell felt safe. What am I talking about you ask? I'm talking about the largest single-day motorcycling event in the world, The Love Ride.

I love riding my motorcycle, it's one of the things in life that I know that every time I do it I'm going to have a great time. I go out and I can be feeling like crap, but when I'm out there riding I have to focus on just that, riding. I'm cautious of the people around me, I enjoy the world, I feel the wind in my face, I can enjoy all of the feelings that come with riding, I take it all in fully and gratefully. Man do I love riding.

I go out and I am very cautious of other motorists on the road. I mean I'm just a lone rider on a small (compared to the huge SUV's out there) vehicle. So I always keep an eye out in anticipation of what other people are and aren't going to do. I've had some close calls but thankfully I'm still here in one piece.

This past Sunday was different though. This past Sunday I met up with 20,000+ other riders in Glendale for the Love Ride. I've ridden alone for the 2 years that I've owned a motorcycle. Let me tell you going from riding alone to riding with thousands of other bikers is an amazing difference. The event blocked off about 6 city blocks in Glendale. The streets were full of motorcycles, mostly Harley's. In middle of it all there I was.

The day started early with all riders meeting in Glendale where we were treated to a small concert and the joy of watching almost every kind of bike imaginable ride down the street. Cruisers and sport bikes alike. It was amazing. At 9:3oam the ride was to begin to Lake Castaic, about 40 miles north of Glendale.

I used to describe the sound of a Harley as a man made thunderous roar that could be heard rolling down the street, a beautiful sound that brings joy to my heart and many others that love to ride. On Sunday my description changed, the sound of not only one but twenty thousand plus Harley's rolling down the 5 freeway was more like the crack of lightning multiplied hundreds of times per minute. The sound is impressive, amazing, deafening, beautiful, it's everything you can imagine pure uninhibited mechanical power to sound like. I loved every beat of those engines rolling down the highway on our forty mile journey to Lake Castaic. That day I didn't have to worry about the other vehicles on the road, that day the other vehicles on the road had to worry about us! It's a feeling that I will never forget and one that I plan on repeating for years to come.

The day ended with a concert from the Black Crowes which was great to watch. The people were great. Everyone was happy, no problems arose and all the chrome was beautiful as it created a glistening river down the road. I had a great time. Maybe next year one of you will be able to share in the experience with me, I'm sure you'll remember it for a lifetime.