My Life As A Soap Opera. Take 5.

So here goes. I thought I wasn't going to write this crap and who knows by the time I'm done I might delete the whole thing. But anyway I'm just going to start writing.

Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love. Blah, blah, blah. Fast forward it's over.

So here's the thing. I'd like to know from people who read this what I should do or how I should act. I'm taking a survey. Yeah that's it. A survey of my life.

Ok so I fell in love. Hard and fast is how I would describe it. Maybe I was naive, maybe stupid. But man, I fell in love! It was great. No matter how much she told me she didn't have anything left in her or that she didn't know what I saw in her, I loved her. The best thing is she told me that she loved me also. Every day and every night we were together we told each other we loved each other. Every day until the last day (even after the last day I couldn't stop telling her that I loved her and missed her and how much I wanted her back).

She told me that it was going to be hard. She didn't lie. She told me that I would have to be able to deal with a lot. She didn't lie. She told me that she couldn't promise me forever. She didn't lie.

We did break up at one point. Twice before actually. I fought hard for her the first time. Funny, I felt I "convinced" her to be with me the first time. Whatever the case she came back. Again she re-iterated all of the hardships we would face. Again she didn't lie. Things went well, hard but well because I was with her and that's all that mattered to me. I can say I lived that second phase in fear. Every time we went through some rough times, I was afraid she was leaving me. She would even start some conversations, "i'm not breaking up with you....". Talk about high blood pressure. But that lasted about a week. Then she broke up with me again.


The second time hurt like hell, just as this last time did. The second time it was for the same reason as this final time. Reasons that made little sense to me but that I had no choice but to live with. The thing was we talked about it after and we told each other that this time apart was for the better of our relationship. Like she put it, she wanted to be the best that she could for me, without the issues. She wanted to be able to give me more of herself. It hurt like hell to be without her, but knowing that she was doing this for us kept me feeling good. We knew that she had to be alone for a while. For how long though? I didn't know. She had some though decisions to make. I was willing to give her some time.

Here's the thing. A few days after leaving me the second time she calls me and tells me that she's made her decision. That she loves me. That she chooses me. That even though it was hard being together that it was harder being apart. Honestly right at that moment I didn't know how to feel. I had prepared myself to be alone for a while. To be without her. And after that she gave me exactly what I wanted her. It was a shock. She told me never to let her make the same mistake again. I was happy again.

We were together again and I thought happier than ever. That was until that night that she told me that everything was too hard. That being with me was too hard. That she really didn't have anything left in her. That she couldn't do this anymore. Less than a month later this happened. This happened after I thought we were finally starting to deal with some issues that we had.

I'll never doubt that she gave everything that she had in our relationship. It was evident in the tears she shed. It was evident in her face the day after a long night of crying. It was evident when she looked at me and told me she loved me. I wanted nothing else in life at that point. So in that I have no doubt.

But I gave a lot of myself also. She once told me that the act of sending her flowers was something no one else had ever done for her, that made me feel so good inside. I feel I can ask her that if at any point there was anything truly wrong that I did that could have caused this, and feel good about the answer. I gave everything that I possibly could. I held nothing back this time. I loved her with everything that I had. I went into this last part of my relationship believing that if I tried hard enough, that if I gave enough of myself, that if I tried enough for both of us then it would somehow work. I gave everything I had in me this time. Everything and it wasn't enough. When she told me it was over I was to say the least heartbroken. I was in denial for a few days. I called her and asked her if the decision she was making was forever or if she was doing this for us. She told me forever. She told me that she wanted me completely out of her life. I told her later that there wasn't anything else that she could have possibly said that would have hurt as much as those words.

A few days before this as I held her teary eyed in my arms she asked me not to give up on her. That even though this seemed hard, to please not give up on her. And now she wanted me completely out of her life. The pain that I feel now is more than I have ever felt. No matter how hard things got I was happy because I was with her.

How am I supposed to act now? She broke up with me, she spends a good part of her free time with her ex-boyfriend. She's happier without me. Am I supposed to be happy for her. Am I supposed to kill all emotions that I felt for her and tell her I'm happy for her also? Is it supposed to be that easy? I truly feel that the actions that I'm taking now (avoiding her, not talking to her) are if nothing else putting the final nails in the coffin that holds what was our relationship. I don't want that, but I don't know how else to deal with this. Am I wrong? What do I do? If anyone reading this knows then tell me.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't love her. Because the truth is I still do. I tell people that it might sound funny but if she asked me to come back to her now. I'd do it in a heartbeat. I hope that after all of this bullshit is over that somewhere down the line we could hold a conversation to see how we're each doing. I wish for more but I hope for at least that.

So judge me. Tell me what I should have done. What I should do.

I'm here. Heart open and bleeding. Waiting for all of your judgment. If I did something wrong tell me. If I should do something different then say so. Anyone out there. Anyone with an opinion. Whether you agree with me or not.