Tell Me How You Really Feel

Lately I've been meaning to write things. I've felt the urge to write something, the problem is I can't seem to be able to write like I used to. Before I had no issue sitting down and writing anything and everything. All my goings on, the daily events, some random occurrence during the day that I could stretch into a whole story. Not lately though. I find it very hard to write about much of anything. I've been kind of wondering why. I think I know though.

Every day I still think about her. I'm doing a million times better than a couple of months ago, but that doesn't mean I don't think about her. There hasn't been a day that has passed that has gone by without a moment of sadness for me. I can go about my normal self for the most part, but something always reminds me of her. Always. They're always good thoughts and it makes me sad. The most beautiful memories I have are of her smile, they show up as pictures in my head, and for the faintest moment I can almost hear her laugh. The greatest joy I had was making her smile and laugh, she had a great laugh and an amazing smile. For that moment I smile and I even laugh a little, and then I'm sad again. I miss her.

This whole thing still clouds my mind. I think that's why I can't write as much now. Every time I sit and think, she comes to my mind. Every time I sit and do write there are many things that are left unsaid. I filter out my thoughts constantly. I filter them in my conversations, I filter them in my writings, I filter them even for myself. I filter them for myself, because even though it's been almost 2 months now I can still feel my emotions trying to get the better of me and I don't like the feeling.

"Time heals all wounds" is a saying you hear a lot in these types of situations. "It will get better in time" is another. I almost believe it. Almost. I thought this would have been sufficient time. I was wrong. I still care about her. I don't know what to do about it. Someone once said "the saddest thing in the world is loving someone who used to love you", I don't know what to say. I don't know.

I had to write this because I had to write (period). I've always loved writing, and for the most part I always considered myself pretty good at it. I could write for days, I could stretch the most mundane subject into an epic story. I could do all of this when I was able to truly write what I felt. This is an example. I can continue writing about her for ever right now. It's what I feel. It's easy for me. I just wanted to write something uninhibited, something real again. This feels good. It's the truth.