may the sun
bring you new energy by day,
may the moon
softly restore you by night,
may the rain
wash away your worries,
may the breeze
blow new strength into your being.
may you walk
gently through the world and know
its beauty all the days of your life.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Sunday, August 13, 2006
My Life As A Soap Opera. Take 5.
So here goes. I thought I wasn't going to write this crap and who knows by the time I'm done I might delete the whole thing. But anyway I'm just going to start writing.
Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love. Blah, blah, blah. Fast forward it's over.
So here's the thing. I'd like to know from people who read this what I should do or how I should act. I'm taking a survey. Yeah that's it. A survey of my life.
Ok so I fell in love. Hard and fast is how I would describe it. Maybe I was naive, maybe stupid. But man, I fell in love! It was great. No matter how much she told me she didn't have anything left in her or that she didn't know what I saw in her, I loved her. The best thing is she told me that she loved me also. Every day and every night we were together we told each other we loved each other. Every day until the last day (even after the last day I couldn't stop telling her that I loved her and missed her and how much I wanted her back).
She told me that it was going to be hard. She didn't lie. She told me that I would have to be able to deal with a lot. She didn't lie. She told me that she couldn't promise me forever. She didn't lie.
We did break up at one point. Twice before actually. I fought hard for her the first time. Funny, I felt I "convinced" her to be with me the first time. Whatever the case she came back. Again she re-iterated all of the hardships we would face. Again she didn't lie. Things went well, hard but well because I was with her and that's all that mattered to me. I can say I lived that second phase in fear. Every time we went through some rough times, I was afraid she was leaving me. She would even start some conversations, "i'm not breaking up with you....". Talk about high blood pressure. But that lasted about a week. Then she broke up with me again.
The second time hurt like hell, just as this last time did. The second time it was for the same reason as this final time. Reasons that made little sense to me but that I had no choice but to live with. The thing was we talked about it after and we told each other that this time apart was for the better of our relationship. Like she put it, she wanted to be the best that she could for me, without the issues. She wanted to be able to give me more of herself. It hurt like hell to be without her, but knowing that she was doing this for us kept me feeling good. We knew that she had to be alone for a while. For how long though? I didn't know. She had some though decisions to make. I was willing to give her some time.
Here's the thing. A few days after leaving me the second time she calls me and tells me that she's made her decision. That she loves me. That she chooses me. That even though it was hard being together that it was harder being apart. Honestly right at that moment I didn't know how to feel. I had prepared myself to be alone for a while. To be without her. And after that she gave me exactly what I wanted her. It was a shock. She told me never to let her make the same mistake again. I was happy again.
We were together again and I thought happier than ever. That was until that night that she told me that everything was too hard. That being with me was too hard. That she really didn't have anything left in her. That she couldn't do this anymore. Less than a month later this happened. This happened after I thought we were finally starting to deal with some issues that we had.
I'll never doubt that she gave everything that she had in our relationship. It was evident in the tears she shed. It was evident in her face the day after a long night of crying. It was evident when she looked at me and told me she loved me. I wanted nothing else in life at that point. So in that I have no doubt.
But I gave a lot of myself also. She once told me that the act of sending her flowers was something no one else had ever done for her, that made me feel so good inside. I feel I can ask her that if at any point there was anything truly wrong that I did that could have caused this, and feel good about the answer. I gave everything that I possibly could. I held nothing back this time. I loved her with everything that I had. I went into this last part of my relationship believing that if I tried hard enough, that if I gave enough of myself, that if I tried enough for both of us then it would somehow work. I gave everything I had in me this time. Everything and it wasn't enough. When she told me it was over I was to say the least heartbroken. I was in denial for a few days. I called her and asked her if the decision she was making was forever or if she was doing this for us. She told me forever. She told me that she wanted me completely out of her life. I told her later that there wasn't anything else that she could have possibly said that would have hurt as much as those words.
A few days before this as I held her teary eyed in my arms she asked me not to give up on her. That even though this seemed hard, to please not give up on her. And now she wanted me completely out of her life. The pain that I feel now is more than I have ever felt. No matter how hard things got I was happy because I was with her.
How am I supposed to act now? She broke up with me, she spends a good part of her free time with her ex-boyfriend. She's happier without me. Am I supposed to be happy for her. Am I supposed to kill all emotions that I felt for her and tell her I'm happy for her also? Is it supposed to be that easy? I truly feel that the actions that I'm taking now (avoiding her, not talking to her) are if nothing else putting the final nails in the coffin that holds what was our relationship. I don't want that, but I don't know how else to deal with this. Am I wrong? What do I do? If anyone reading this knows then tell me.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't love her. Because the truth is I still do. I tell people that it might sound funny but if she asked me to come back to her now. I'd do it in a heartbeat. I hope that after all of this bullshit is over that somewhere down the line we could hold a conversation to see how we're each doing. I wish for more but I hope for at least that.
So judge me. Tell me what I should have done. What I should do.
I'm here. Heart open and bleeding. Waiting for all of your judgment. If I did something wrong tell me. If I should do something different then say so. Anyone out there. Anyone with an opinion. Whether you agree with me or not.
Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love. Blah, blah, blah. Fast forward it's over.
So here's the thing. I'd like to know from people who read this what I should do or how I should act. I'm taking a survey. Yeah that's it. A survey of my life.
Ok so I fell in love. Hard and fast is how I would describe it. Maybe I was naive, maybe stupid. But man, I fell in love! It was great. No matter how much she told me she didn't have anything left in her or that she didn't know what I saw in her, I loved her. The best thing is she told me that she loved me also. Every day and every night we were together we told each other we loved each other. Every day until the last day (even after the last day I couldn't stop telling her that I loved her and missed her and how much I wanted her back).
She told me that it was going to be hard. She didn't lie. She told me that I would have to be able to deal with a lot. She didn't lie. She told me that she couldn't promise me forever. She didn't lie.
We did break up at one point. Twice before actually. I fought hard for her the first time. Funny, I felt I "convinced" her to be with me the first time. Whatever the case she came back. Again she re-iterated all of the hardships we would face. Again she didn't lie. Things went well, hard but well because I was with her and that's all that mattered to me. I can say I lived that second phase in fear. Every time we went through some rough times, I was afraid she was leaving me. She would even start some conversations, "i'm not breaking up with you....". Talk about high blood pressure. But that lasted about a week. Then she broke up with me again.
The second time hurt like hell, just as this last time did. The second time it was for the same reason as this final time. Reasons that made little sense to me but that I had no choice but to live with. The thing was we talked about it after and we told each other that this time apart was for the better of our relationship. Like she put it, she wanted to be the best that she could for me, without the issues. She wanted to be able to give me more of herself. It hurt like hell to be without her, but knowing that she was doing this for us kept me feeling good. We knew that she had to be alone for a while. For how long though? I didn't know. She had some though decisions to make. I was willing to give her some time.
Here's the thing. A few days after leaving me the second time she calls me and tells me that she's made her decision. That she loves me. That she chooses me. That even though it was hard being together that it was harder being apart. Honestly right at that moment I didn't know how to feel. I had prepared myself to be alone for a while. To be without her. And after that she gave me exactly what I wanted her. It was a shock. She told me never to let her make the same mistake again. I was happy again.
We were together again and I thought happier than ever. That was until that night that she told me that everything was too hard. That being with me was too hard. That she really didn't have anything left in her. That she couldn't do this anymore. Less than a month later this happened. This happened after I thought we were finally starting to deal with some issues that we had.
I'll never doubt that she gave everything that she had in our relationship. It was evident in the tears she shed. It was evident in her face the day after a long night of crying. It was evident when she looked at me and told me she loved me. I wanted nothing else in life at that point. So in that I have no doubt.
But I gave a lot of myself also. She once told me that the act of sending her flowers was something no one else had ever done for her, that made me feel so good inside. I feel I can ask her that if at any point there was anything truly wrong that I did that could have caused this, and feel good about the answer. I gave everything that I possibly could. I held nothing back this time. I loved her with everything that I had. I went into this last part of my relationship believing that if I tried hard enough, that if I gave enough of myself, that if I tried enough for both of us then it would somehow work. I gave everything I had in me this time. Everything and it wasn't enough. When she told me it was over I was to say the least heartbroken. I was in denial for a few days. I called her and asked her if the decision she was making was forever or if she was doing this for us. She told me forever. She told me that she wanted me completely out of her life. I told her later that there wasn't anything else that she could have possibly said that would have hurt as much as those words.
A few days before this as I held her teary eyed in my arms she asked me not to give up on her. That even though this seemed hard, to please not give up on her. And now she wanted me completely out of her life. The pain that I feel now is more than I have ever felt. No matter how hard things got I was happy because I was with her.
How am I supposed to act now? She broke up with me, she spends a good part of her free time with her ex-boyfriend. She's happier without me. Am I supposed to be happy for her. Am I supposed to kill all emotions that I felt for her and tell her I'm happy for her also? Is it supposed to be that easy? I truly feel that the actions that I'm taking now (avoiding her, not talking to her) are if nothing else putting the final nails in the coffin that holds what was our relationship. I don't want that, but I don't know how else to deal with this. Am I wrong? What do I do? If anyone reading this knows then tell me.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't love her. Because the truth is I still do. I tell people that it might sound funny but if she asked me to come back to her now. I'd do it in a heartbeat. I hope that after all of this bullshit is over that somewhere down the line we could hold a conversation to see how we're each doing. I wish for more but I hope for at least that.
So judge me. Tell me what I should have done. What I should do.
I'm here. Heart open and bleeding. Waiting for all of your judgment. If I did something wrong tell me. If I should do something different then say so. Anyone out there. Anyone with an opinion. Whether you agree with me or not.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
The Choices We Make
I think I might have lost someone who at one point in my life was the most important person to me. Forever.
Today I made a choice. Everyone makes choices in life. Sometimes the choices people make seem so simple to someone looking in from the outside. The choices seem obvious and maybe even necessary, to someone looking in from the outside. When your inside though, those choices are some of the hardest you'll ever have to make.
Today I made a choice. I chose to stop. Stop what though? I don't know. It made me happy, it gave me hope. Why should I have to stop something that makes me happy? Why do I have to stop something that feels right and good? Why?
I think I know why I made the choice. I know why I made my choice. This pain and emptiness that I feel, I have never felt before. I wish it on no one, really. This pain and emptiness is something I have to surpass. I can't surpass it if I don't face it. I have to face it and that is my choice. If I didn't make this choice I would most likely have to suffer this same fate again, and I don't wish it on anyone.
My choice came at a great loss though. I fear I have lost the one person I loved with all of my heart. Though some would say the loss had already occurred and it was I that was afraid to except it. Today I am beginning to except it. With all of the pain inside me, I am beginning to except it. I can truly say that I am sorry for my choice, my decision. It was one I never wanted to make.
The choices we make aren't the easiest by far, but they are our choices to make. No one else's.
I hate my choice. With all of my heart I hate my choice.
Today I made a choice. Everyone makes choices in life. Sometimes the choices people make seem so simple to someone looking in from the outside. The choices seem obvious and maybe even necessary, to someone looking in from the outside. When your inside though, those choices are some of the hardest you'll ever have to make.
Today I made a choice. I chose to stop. Stop what though? I don't know. It made me happy, it gave me hope. Why should I have to stop something that makes me happy? Why do I have to stop something that feels right and good? Why?
I think I know why I made the choice. I know why I made my choice. This pain and emptiness that I feel, I have never felt before. I wish it on no one, really. This pain and emptiness is something I have to surpass. I can't surpass it if I don't face it. I have to face it and that is my choice. If I didn't make this choice I would most likely have to suffer this same fate again, and I don't wish it on anyone.
My choice came at a great loss though. I fear I have lost the one person I loved with all of my heart. Though some would say the loss had already occurred and it was I that was afraid to except it. Today I am beginning to except it. With all of the pain inside me, I am beginning to except it. I can truly say that I am sorry for my choice, my decision. It was one I never wanted to make.
The choices we make aren't the easiest by far, but they are our choices to make. No one else's.
I hate my choice. With all of my heart I hate my choice.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Therapy
So this morning I was feeling like shit, as every morning goes. But then I got lucky and I had the opportunity to see my "therapist". You see I stopped by to check up on my case and he was just hanging around. So I asked what was going on. Apparently he had an appointment only 10 minutes away and the client still hadn't shown. Seeing as I was already there I asked if I could have my session with him if the other client didn't show. He said "sure". Cool. Oh yeah my "therapist" was thoroughly baked at this point, I think it was 4:50 in the afternoon, lucky bastard. So we started our session and man after about 3 hours of being in the chair we were finally done. The end result.....
It's not the best picture and it's very shiny from the ointment, but you get the idea. I'll try to get a better picture up soon.
So yeah after sitting through 3 hours of some harsh pain I felt a lot better! All thanks to my therapist. But man people don't lie when they say these therapists are expensive. Geeez.
It's not the best picture and it's very shiny from the ointment, but you get the idea. I'll try to get a better picture up soon.
So yeah after sitting through 3 hours of some harsh pain I felt a lot better! All thanks to my therapist. But man people don't lie when they say these therapists are expensive. Geeez.
Right Now
Mornings are the hardest for me. I have nothing else to think about. Nothing to occupy my mind. I wake up after the same dream night after night and it's hard. It's sad to say but mornings bring tears to my eyes. I wish I could sleep all day, forever. Needless to say it's Monday morning 8:41am and I feel like it's the end of the world all over again. Just like yesterday Morning and probably tomorrow Morning. How does this get any easier? Well yesterday ended up an alright day, maybe I can do the same for today.
It's one in the morning.... do you know where your brains @?
It's now one in the morning on this gorgeous Monday, and guess what? I think I'm getting sleepy!!!!! Yes!
Why the excitement you ask? Well in the last 5 days I've had about a grand total of about 15 hours of sleep. What sucked the most is that I haven't felt tired. Same goes for my appetite at one point I didn't eat for at least 40 hours and damn it I wasn't hungry. What the fuck!?!? But today I ate, mmmmm.... food, I almost forgot how good it tasted. And tonight or should I say this beautiful Monday morning I'm starting to get the slightest feeling that I might be tired!!!! That's some good times if I ever heard them. Now I have to work on my dreams. Damn dreams. Even if I only get an hour of sleep a night my dreams are all the same. Well maybe tonight that might change. I'll let you know tomorrow, or later today whatever the case may be.
As an update to all of my sorrow and blah, blah, blah (you're all probably tired of hearing it). Sunday morning sucked major ass. I mean major hairy monkey after a week of explosive diarrhea ass. But with the help of some friends (family I'd like to say), all in all it ended on a decent note. I'm getting there. I still can't see then end, it's really no where in sight yet but I'm getting there, I know I am. Thanks again buddies. Thanks a lot.
Why the excitement you ask? Well in the last 5 days I've had about a grand total of about 15 hours of sleep. What sucked the most is that I haven't felt tired. Same goes for my appetite at one point I didn't eat for at least 40 hours and damn it I wasn't hungry. What the fuck!?!? But today I ate, mmmmm.... food, I almost forgot how good it tasted. And tonight or should I say this beautiful Monday morning I'm starting to get the slightest feeling that I might be tired!!!! That's some good times if I ever heard them. Now I have to work on my dreams. Damn dreams. Even if I only get an hour of sleep a night my dreams are all the same. Well maybe tonight that might change. I'll let you know tomorrow, or later today whatever the case may be.
As an update to all of my sorrow and blah, blah, blah (you're all probably tired of hearing it). Sunday morning sucked major ass. I mean major hairy monkey after a week of explosive diarrhea ass. But with the help of some friends (family I'd like to say), all in all it ended on a decent note. I'm getting there. I still can't see then end, it's really no where in sight yet but I'm getting there, I know I am. Thanks again buddies. Thanks a lot.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Let Me Try
Let me try and be optimistic and hopeful of the future. Ummmm, yeah I don't know how to begin. All I can say is I have great friends. They keep me up and breathing at times when I don't think I can by myself. Times are tuff buddy, but what am I gonna do? When you give all of yourself and it's not enough then there's nothing you can do. It wasn't meant to be I guess. I'm ranting now. It's funny I'm supposed to be "optimistic", I think this is the complete opposite. Okay here goes again, optimistic...... everything has been soo blurry lately, but I think that every day I get more and more moments of clarity. I can focus a little more each day. There are still bad days. Yesterday was one of them. But even on the bad days I have moments when I laugh and moments when I think I'll be alright. There, that was it. That was the optimism. There will be more. Hey I said I was going to try I didn't say this was going to be a revelation or a layout of all the good things to come.
I know the feeling of "loneliness" now, having someone there and feeling completely alone. Someone once said, "that feeling you have, then out of nowhere". That sums up a lot. It meant enough for me to cry.
I know the feeling of "loneliness" now, having someone there and feeling completely alone. Someone once said, "that feeling you have, then out of nowhere". That sums up a lot. It meant enough for me to cry.
Friday, August 04, 2006
Thanks
Thanks to all of my friends who are helping me get through this hard time in my life. The only thing that keeps me from breaking down all of the time is you guys. You know who you are, I haven't stopped talking to you once in the last few days. Thanks a lot guys. It will take time, but thanks to your help I think I can do it. Thank you so much.
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