Write Something

Anyone out there, write something. Tonight. Anything. I was a lot better at this a few months ago. I think It's coming back to me now though. Thank goodness. I miss writing. I spent a lot of time thinking about things to write but I never did write them. But now I'm finding myself wanting to do it more and more, so now I'm doing it.

Another thing I enjoy doing is going on here and reading what people have to say. Anything interesting. So write. I checked out a few blogs today and all but one had nothing new posted. C'mon people I know you have something interesting to say. I small recap of your day. Something you heard. Something you read. Anything. If you write it you can add your own twist to it. Your point of view and that's what I want to read. Someones point of view. I like to think of blogs as somewhere were someone with some brains can write and share their thoughts. I mean you have to be kind of smart if you can sit and write for no other reason but the enjoyment of writing.

As for myself and my day today was pretty much uneventful. I slept really well last night which is great for me. Funny thing is I dreamt a lot last night. Let me refrase that. I remembered a lot of my dreams last night. And they were all pretty good dreams, some weird but none bad. That was great. I can't remember the last time I remembered dreams I had. I told myself last night that I was going to do a million things today. I ended up sleeping in, watching a movie, getting pizza, smoking a cigar and buying a costume. If you're a lazy ass, which I was today then I guess it was a productive day. Otherwise I did crap. Oh yeah I had a midterm yesterday. It went well I suppose. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. I'm not worried, I'm sure I did well.

Well hopefully you out there will have something new to write about. Something for me to read. I trust you will. Goodnight.

Date?

No thank you. I don't know about you guys but I'm not a big date person. At least not now. Right now I'm having a great time hanging out with friends. Guys and Girls alike. I really don't want to try anything more than that. Is that bad of me? I don't think so. I mean I'll kick it with anyone! C'mon just ask I'll kick it with you. I promise it'll be fun!! Emotions need not get in the way when ones having fun!! Especially when having fun involves pitchers of beer and shots of something or other.

Emotions and alcohol, (correct me if i'm wrong) never go well together. Cheers to football and sports bars they don't ask much of me, except my atm card. That's the plan for the rest of this football season, sports bars and hot waitresses!!! Score!

For anyone that's interested I know this is random and has nothing to do with the rest of this post but the whole wrecked miata saga is almost done and over with. Like I said I didn't worry much because I knew it wasn't my fault and now the insurance companies agree with me. Sad part is the miata was totaled. Good news is I get a good chunk of change for it and I get to keep the car. I'm sure most of you know I want to be an auto technician (read: mechanic, petrol head, gear head, car junkie!!!) and eventually open up my own shop in the not too distant future. So I see this as the perfect opportunity to put what I've learned to the test. I want to get the miata up and running again and get it back to the track car state that it was destined to be shortly after I bought it. If I can get this car running and on the track that will be a big accomplishment for me, one I'm very much looking forward to.

Seeing as a wrecked car attracts my attention more so than dating at this point. I think it's fair to say that I'm going to hold off on that for a while. There that all tied in well together in the end. Yeah I knew that was going to happen. My genius works even though I'm not aware of it. I'm a subconscious genius! Score.

What's Happening My Peeps!?!?

How is everyone out there in TV land? Doing good? I hope so. As for me I'm not bad. All is good in the hood, except for this lack of sleep. I'm finding myself wanting to do more and more all of the time so I stay up more. In the last 40 hours I've had two and a half hours of sleep. I did the same thing a few days ago. Weird. Ah well it's all for a good cause. I call that cause kickin' ass!! Yup it's what I do best. I kick ass and take names. Right.

If anyone is interested in knowing my night at Knott's Scary Farm was pretty cool. We were there until the place closed, the mazes were for the most part creepy and fun. Some of the girls we went with were screaming there lungs out. Good times. I don't scare that easily especially if I know I'm going to try to be scared so it wasn't as "exciting" for me. But good times were had by all. The one thing that sucked was that I had to be at work in a couple of hours after that. I think I was asleep half of my shift the next day.

After work that day I finished up some work on my cars and ran some errands. Just as I was getting tired I called a buddy of mine and we decided to go out and have lunch. I was like GREAT!! We went to some place called Big Wangs. I shit you not I thought the place was some Chinese Food joint. Luckily I was pleasantly surprised to find out it's a sports bar!!!! Yes!! So after two and a half hours of sleep and a coffee being my only meal, Chicken Wings, Beer and Football were exactly the things I needed! Needless to say halfway into my second cup I was feeling the sweet effects of Sam Adams Octoberfest. I thought there was no way I could drink more. Well three pitchers later I was still going, I mean there was like 3 football games still going on. All at the same time. We couldn't just get up and leave! After the games we headed home and continued the party. I have no idea how many more beers I had but man I passed out at around 9pm and didn't get up until about 8 the next morning. Now that's how you catch up on some much needed sleep!!

I don't know why I'm still up but at least I got one last thing done. This post.

Let me know how you've all been doing out there, wherever you are. Have fun and get some sleep. Hopefully we'll talk soon. Later homies!! All of you's.

Go To Sleep.

I just got home from work a little while ago. I'm a little tired. The thing is I have to get up in about 3 hours to go to work. That's going to be a bitch. After work I have to change the suspension on a car. I have to do all of this before 5pm because I'm apparently going to Knott's "Scary" Farm until God knows what hour. Yeah I don't plan on getting a lot of sleep in these next 24 hours. Oh yeah I have to be at work at 7am on Sunday. I sometimes complain about time passing to quickly. This is not one of those times. This weekend seems to be going on forever. Good times. Oh yeah I have to find some time to study somewhere in there. Fuck. I just want to sleep.

I Am indestructible!!!!

That's right you heard me. I am indestructible. I'm freaking amazing. How did I come to this conclusion you ask? Well let me tell you. In my short lived life, I've been involved in quite a few mishaps, accidents if you will. Auto accidents primarily. And it happened again! What the fuck!!! I mean I know I'm indestructible and all but I really am tired of smashing into things or things smashing into me. It kind of sucks.

Oh yeah I never really explained why I say I'm indestructible. Well from all of these accidents that I've been involved in, I've been able to walk away from every single one of them. This last one was probably the worst, I got a cut on my right forearm from the airbag. Other than that and the fact that my arm was pretty "lumpy" for a couple of days I was fine. I've gotten used to the fact that every time I get in an accident I'm going to be sore a couple of days later. This time is no exception. Right now my lower back is bothering me. It has been since Sunday. On Sunday it was a little worse, it was basically the right side of my body that was sore, but I'm better now. Good times.

Oh yeah and did I mention it really helps to have friends to help you through situations like these. I was actually on my way from dropping a friend off and some other friends were at my house waiting for me to come back. Apparently after a while of waiting for me they decided to call me. I told them what happened, they were worried but it was cool. Problem is they had already ordered a pizza we were going to grub on later. So I told them to go pick it up and that I should be home soon. Well turns out I was going to be there longer than I thought. Then I thought the pizza place is not to far from were I was involved in the accident, so I call my buddies and ask them to come by and pick me up. They agree. Now these are great friends. They come by, they have pizza, they get hungry, and they say "fuck it. let's eat" and they do.......

on top of my freaking car!!! The monkeys. Now that's what friends are for.

Now my car sits. Waiting for an assessor to come by and tell me if they're going to fix my car or total it. My car is tiny and the damage was pretty excessive so I don't know what's going to happen. It sucks because I really liked the car, and I got a great deal for it. I doubt I'll be able to find another like it for the price and in the shape that this one was in. Damn.

Oh yeah, it was the lady's fault, the whole accident thing. A lady was waiting at a green light. Waiting to make a left turn, as I approached the intersection I saw her waiting there and kept going not thinking anything of it. Apparently my car is invisible!!! She didn't see me. And as soon as I got close enough to make it impossible to stop if she pulled in front of me, she did just that!!!! And bam. My Miata is pretty much toast. I mean I was involved in an accident with the safest car in the freakin' world!!! A VOLVO!!!! What the fuck!! The thing is built like a tank. A tank against a tiny convertible with a 3 star safety rating on a good day!!! Yup, I had no chance.

So all of these events transpiring in my life have brought me to the conclusion that I'm indestructible. There's no accident going to bring me down. Ya heard?

Here's a parting shot of the Miata as it rests waiting for it's future to be decided by someone who doesn't give a crap that I loved that damn car. That sucks.



P.S.

"Knock On Wood"

Why does shit close?

It's just past one in the morning on Wednesday. All of my friends are asleep. At least I think they are, I'm not about to start calling around and check. It's just past one in the morning and I'm bored out of my freakin' mind!!! What the fuck!?!?

Why do people get tired? Why does shit close? Maybe there should be a pill that would allow us to stay awake for a long ass time. Wait, I think there is such a substance, unfortunately possession of it can get you in some trouble if caught with it. But even then, say you can stay awake for a long ass time if not forever, what the fuck are you going to do with all of your time awake???? I mean shit closes. Where do you go @ 1 in the morning on a Wednesday? Even if I was someone who always wanted to go clubbing wouldn't most people be dead tired at this time? I guess the only club that I ever went to that didn't have dead tired people at 3 in the morning was Club Rain in Vegas. It seemed like the later it got there the more people woke up. That place is pretty cool.

So yeah I'm just rambling now. I've been up just over 20 hours now and I guess it's the lack of sleep and too much caffeine in my body that's making me a little delirious. I'm sure the second I hit the sack I'm knocking out. Oh well. If only there was someone to hang out with at 1 in the morning on a Wednesday. If you're out there and have nothing else to do, hit me up G!!! We can kick it. Ya heard? Right.

Good night, er Good Morning, whatever the case may be in your current situation or state of mind.

Later.

Tell Me How You Really Feel

Lately I've been meaning to write things. I've felt the urge to write something, the problem is I can't seem to be able to write like I used to. Before I had no issue sitting down and writing anything and everything. All my goings on, the daily events, some random occurrence during the day that I could stretch into a whole story. Not lately though. I find it very hard to write about much of anything. I've been kind of wondering why. I think I know though.

Every day I still think about her. I'm doing a million times better than a couple of months ago, but that doesn't mean I don't think about her. There hasn't been a day that has passed that has gone by without a moment of sadness for me. I can go about my normal self for the most part, but something always reminds me of her. Always. They're always good thoughts and it makes me sad. The most beautiful memories I have are of her smile, they show up as pictures in my head, and for the faintest moment I can almost hear her laugh. The greatest joy I had was making her smile and laugh, she had a great laugh and an amazing smile. For that moment I smile and I even laugh a little, and then I'm sad again. I miss her.

This whole thing still clouds my mind. I think that's why I can't write as much now. Every time I sit and think, she comes to my mind. Every time I sit and do write there are many things that are left unsaid. I filter out my thoughts constantly. I filter them in my conversations, I filter them in my writings, I filter them even for myself. I filter them for myself, because even though it's been almost 2 months now I can still feel my emotions trying to get the better of me and I don't like the feeling.

"Time heals all wounds" is a saying you hear a lot in these types of situations. "It will get better in time" is another. I almost believe it. Almost. I thought this would have been sufficient time. I was wrong. I still care about her. I don't know what to do about it. Someone once said "the saddest thing in the world is loving someone who used to love you", I don't know what to say. I don't know.

I had to write this because I had to write (period). I've always loved writing, and for the most part I always considered myself pretty good at it. I could write for days, I could stretch the most mundane subject into an epic story. I could do all of this when I was able to truly write what I felt. This is an example. I can continue writing about her for ever right now. It's what I feel. It's easy for me. I just wanted to write something uninhibited, something real again. This feels good. It's the truth.

Remember Me

I'm not going anywhere. I would just like you to remember me. I guess it's unfair to ask anyone to remember you. I mean you have to have made some kind of impression in someones life for them to remember you. Otherwise you're just passing by. Hopefully I did more than just pass by in your lives. Hopefully you'll remember me.

The reason I'm writing this is because earlier today I was thinking of something. It wasn't a good memory. At that point I realized I tend to remember the bad things in life. I had this conversation about my memory with someone before. I told her that my memory was like a picture album, a bad unorganized picture album. One with pictures that have no reference to time or place. When I try to remember something all I can conjure up is a picture of something and if it really strikes a chord with my memory I can usually bring up another picture. And that's it. It's nothing like a movie where when someone remembers something there's a flash back and a "movie" plays. I don't have these "movies", not good ones at least. I just realized that. I have sort of "short films" of bad memories, and unorganized, undated "snapshots" of good memories. That sucks.

So today as I was recalling that bad memory I realized that I will only be a memory to most of you in the future. I hope that you don't have the same issues as I do with my memory. I hope that you can remember the good memories in your life and replay them like they were yesterday. I hope this, because I'd like to think that I'm a good memory in your lives.

Most of all I'm afraid I'll loose the good memories of these past few months as time passes. All I'll have is the bad ones. The bad ones that seem like they occurred just yesterday for me. I'm afraid that I'll forget, so I ask that you remember me. I suppose it's selfish, but I'd like that. If time passes and I haven't called or written I'm sorry. I'll still think of you, a picture will pop into my mind, but that will probably be all. I'll try to remember the good times. I'll try to keep in touch. I'll try. All I hope for is that you remember me.

The Phantom

This past weekend I saw a great show. The Phantom of the Opera. Someone once mentioned to me that it was an amazing show. She was right. From the beginning I was completely engulfed by the set. One of the most amazing things of the set is the chandelier. It's completely broken apart and then it all comes together floating through the air above everyone and sets itself directly above the audience. That was amazing.

The whole show was great. The music was great. The actors had amazing voices. I'm glad I saw the show. It would have been nice to see it with someone in particular, but it was everything I was told it would be regardless. This past weekend was a great memory in general. If anyone gets the chance to be in Vegas any time soon I highly recommend the show. And yes Justine I did think of you at one point, with the singing and all. I even had a few drinks in your name buddy, seeing as you were feeling crappy when I left.

Let me tell you guys falling asleep at 7 in the morning for 3 days straight does a number on your sleeping patterns for a few days after, but man it's worth it.

Smile!!!!

Today was a great day. I returned to school today. I know I've mentioned that I love working on cars, but man I really do love it. That and learning new shit really makes me happy! So today was a good day. I'm excited again about the future and that's always good! I've recently been hanging out with a great group of people so man all I can say is that if you see me smiling that's the reason why! Good times!!!! Talk about "closing a chapter in your life", I think this story will have a great ending. As a matter of fact I know it will!! I plan on starting a new chapter this weekend, we'll see how that goes. This is sort of a random post with no real point to it. I just wanted to express my joy right now. I'll miss my peeps at the big yellow joint, like my friend Justine likes to put it, but believe me I won't forget this time in my life. I love you guys!!!

The Greatest Cigar Ever

I've told this story a crap load of times but I thought I'd retell it one more time at least.

This story is about the greatest cigar I ever had. The reason I'm thinking about this again is because my buddy Marco and I found this cigar again at a cigar shop in Pasadena. Any ways, here goes.

I was in Vegas last year for my buddies bachelor party. Good times. We were well on our way to getting smashed and we went to one of our many stops that night, a strip club. Ah yes the good old strip clubs, very good times. We were drinking and having a good time, then I get up to use the facilities. Turns out there's some dude in there selling crap, like gum, cologne, cigars. I ask him how much the cigars where and he tells me. I was like damn that's a rip off, I can live without a cigar for the night. So I go back outside and sit with my buddies and damn it if one them doesn't buy a cigar. If you don't know by now, I really enjoy a good cigar, probably more than I should, but I do. So the smell of the cigar got to me, I got up and went to see the man about a cigar. I walk in and ask him for a particular one that he had and he said "sorry man all out". Damn. My buddy walks in and tells the guy "hey show him the good stuff man". So this guy pulls out a cigar in a glass vile sealed with wax and he goes on about this cigar being the best cigar he had. It apparently had been soaking in cognac for 20 years, at least that's what he said. He really had a good story for it. He told me the price and by this point I was a little more drunk and really craving a smoke so I bought it regardless the price. At least the price included a cool little light show with some matches and he lit the cigar for me.

The one thing that came to mind was an old simpsons episode where Barny walks into Moe's during a short prohibition on alcohol and Moe charges him an absurd amount of money for the beer. Barney says "this better be the best beer I've ever had" he takes a drink and then says "you got lucky". That is exactly how I felt. I began smoking the cigar and was like damn this is the best cigar ever!!! I don't know if it was the drunkenness. The fact that I was smoking indoors or all of the naked women parading about the place, but man I tell you that was the greatest cigar ever!!!!

After finding this cigar here in Pasadena I was actually afraid to smoke it. I had built it up so much in my mind that I was afraid that if I smoked it and it wasn't as good as that night then bam, I just shot down a good memory. Damn, I was in a predicament.

Well I went out for a night of drinking and I was well on my way to getting smashed again. Good times. I thought this is great, I'll be drunk and I'll smoke the cigar it will be great! The legend will live on! Turns out I got a little to drunk and never got around to smoking the damn thing! I laughed about it the next day.

So today I finally smoked that legendary cigar and I'm happy to say it still is the greatest cigar ever. That, my friends is a good memory.

Apache Blessing

may the sun
bring you new energy by day,

may the moon
softly restore you by night,

may the rain
wash away your worries,

may the breeze
blow new strength into your being.

may you walk
gently through the world and know
its beauty all the days of your life.

My Life As A Soap Opera. Take 5.

So here goes. I thought I wasn't going to write this crap and who knows by the time I'm done I might delete the whole thing. But anyway I'm just going to start writing.

Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love. Blah, blah, blah. Fast forward it's over.

So here's the thing. I'd like to know from people who read this what I should do or how I should act. I'm taking a survey. Yeah that's it. A survey of my life.

Ok so I fell in love. Hard and fast is how I would describe it. Maybe I was naive, maybe stupid. But man, I fell in love! It was great. No matter how much she told me she didn't have anything left in her or that she didn't know what I saw in her, I loved her. The best thing is she told me that she loved me also. Every day and every night we were together we told each other we loved each other. Every day until the last day (even after the last day I couldn't stop telling her that I loved her and missed her and how much I wanted her back).

She told me that it was going to be hard. She didn't lie. She told me that I would have to be able to deal with a lot. She didn't lie. She told me that she couldn't promise me forever. She didn't lie.

We did break up at one point. Twice before actually. I fought hard for her the first time. Funny, I felt I "convinced" her to be with me the first time. Whatever the case she came back. Again she re-iterated all of the hardships we would face. Again she didn't lie. Things went well, hard but well because I was with her and that's all that mattered to me. I can say I lived that second phase in fear. Every time we went through some rough times, I was afraid she was leaving me. She would even start some conversations, "i'm not breaking up with you....". Talk about high blood pressure. But that lasted about a week. Then she broke up with me again.


The second time hurt like hell, just as this last time did. The second time it was for the same reason as this final time. Reasons that made little sense to me but that I had no choice but to live with. The thing was we talked about it after and we told each other that this time apart was for the better of our relationship. Like she put it, she wanted to be the best that she could for me, without the issues. She wanted to be able to give me more of herself. It hurt like hell to be without her, but knowing that she was doing this for us kept me feeling good. We knew that she had to be alone for a while. For how long though? I didn't know. She had some though decisions to make. I was willing to give her some time.

Here's the thing. A few days after leaving me the second time she calls me and tells me that she's made her decision. That she loves me. That she chooses me. That even though it was hard being together that it was harder being apart. Honestly right at that moment I didn't know how to feel. I had prepared myself to be alone for a while. To be without her. And after that she gave me exactly what I wanted her. It was a shock. She told me never to let her make the same mistake again. I was happy again.

We were together again and I thought happier than ever. That was until that night that she told me that everything was too hard. That being with me was too hard. That she really didn't have anything left in her. That she couldn't do this anymore. Less than a month later this happened. This happened after I thought we were finally starting to deal with some issues that we had.

I'll never doubt that she gave everything that she had in our relationship. It was evident in the tears she shed. It was evident in her face the day after a long night of crying. It was evident when she looked at me and told me she loved me. I wanted nothing else in life at that point. So in that I have no doubt.

But I gave a lot of myself also. She once told me that the act of sending her flowers was something no one else had ever done for her, that made me feel so good inside. I feel I can ask her that if at any point there was anything truly wrong that I did that could have caused this, and feel good about the answer. I gave everything that I possibly could. I held nothing back this time. I loved her with everything that I had. I went into this last part of my relationship believing that if I tried hard enough, that if I gave enough of myself, that if I tried enough for both of us then it would somehow work. I gave everything I had in me this time. Everything and it wasn't enough. When she told me it was over I was to say the least heartbroken. I was in denial for a few days. I called her and asked her if the decision she was making was forever or if she was doing this for us. She told me forever. She told me that she wanted me completely out of her life. I told her later that there wasn't anything else that she could have possibly said that would have hurt as much as those words.

A few days before this as I held her teary eyed in my arms she asked me not to give up on her. That even though this seemed hard, to please not give up on her. And now she wanted me completely out of her life. The pain that I feel now is more than I have ever felt. No matter how hard things got I was happy because I was with her.

How am I supposed to act now? She broke up with me, she spends a good part of her free time with her ex-boyfriend. She's happier without me. Am I supposed to be happy for her. Am I supposed to kill all emotions that I felt for her and tell her I'm happy for her also? Is it supposed to be that easy? I truly feel that the actions that I'm taking now (avoiding her, not talking to her) are if nothing else putting the final nails in the coffin that holds what was our relationship. I don't want that, but I don't know how else to deal with this. Am I wrong? What do I do? If anyone reading this knows then tell me.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't love her. Because the truth is I still do. I tell people that it might sound funny but if she asked me to come back to her now. I'd do it in a heartbeat. I hope that after all of this bullshit is over that somewhere down the line we could hold a conversation to see how we're each doing. I wish for more but I hope for at least that.

So judge me. Tell me what I should have done. What I should do.

I'm here. Heart open and bleeding. Waiting for all of your judgment. If I did something wrong tell me. If I should do something different then say so. Anyone out there. Anyone with an opinion. Whether you agree with me or not.

The Choices We Make

I think I might have lost someone who at one point in my life was the most important person to me. Forever.

Today I made a choice. Everyone makes choices in life. Sometimes the choices people make seem so simple to someone looking in from the outside. The choices seem obvious and maybe even necessary, to someone looking in from the outside. When your inside though, those choices are some of the hardest you'll ever have to make.

Today I made a choice. I chose to stop. Stop what though? I don't know. It made me happy, it gave me hope. Why should I have to stop something that makes me happy? Why do I have to stop something that feels right and good? Why?

I think I know why I made the choice. I know why I made my choice. This pain and emptiness that I feel, I have never felt before. I wish it on no one, really. This pain and emptiness is something I have to surpass. I can't surpass it if I don't face it. I have to face it and that is my choice. If I didn't make this choice I would most likely have to suffer this same fate again, and I don't wish it on anyone.

My choice came at a great loss though. I fear I have lost the one person I loved with all of my heart. Though some would say the loss had already occurred and it was I that was afraid to except it. Today I am beginning to except it. With all of the pain inside me, I am beginning to except it. I can truly say that I am sorry for my choice, my decision. It was one I never wanted to make.

The choices we make aren't the easiest by far, but they are our choices to make. No one else's.

I hate my choice. With all of my heart I hate my choice.

Therapy

So this morning I was feeling like shit, as every morning goes. But then I got lucky and I had the opportunity to see my "therapist". You see I stopped by to check up on my case and he was just hanging around. So I asked what was going on. Apparently he had an appointment only 10 minutes away and the client still hadn't shown. Seeing as I was already there I asked if I could have my session with him if the other client didn't show. He said "sure". Cool. Oh yeah my "therapist" was thoroughly baked at this point, I think it was 4:50 in the afternoon, lucky bastard. So we started our session and man after about 3 hours of being in the chair we were finally done. The end result.....


















It's not the best picture and it's very shiny from the ointment, but you get the idea. I'll try to get a better picture up soon.

So yeah after sitting through 3 hours of some harsh pain I felt a lot better! All thanks to my therapist. But man people don't lie when they say these therapists are expensive. Geeez.

Right Now

Mornings are the hardest for me. I have nothing else to think about. Nothing to occupy my mind. I wake up after the same dream night after night and it's hard. It's sad to say but mornings bring tears to my eyes. I wish I could sleep all day, forever. Needless to say it's Monday morning 8:41am and I feel like it's the end of the world all over again. Just like yesterday Morning and probably tomorrow Morning. How does this get any easier? Well yesterday ended up an alright day, maybe I can do the same for today.

It's one in the morning.... do you know where your brains @?

It's now one in the morning on this gorgeous Monday, and guess what? I think I'm getting sleepy!!!!! Yes!

Why the excitement you ask? Well in the last 5 days I've had about a grand total of about 15 hours of sleep. What sucked the most is that I haven't felt tired. Same goes for my appetite at one point I didn't eat for at least 40 hours and damn it I wasn't hungry. What the fuck!?!? But today I ate, mmmmm.... food, I almost forgot how good it tasted. And tonight or should I say this beautiful Monday morning I'm starting to get the slightest feeling that I might be tired!!!! That's some good times if I ever heard them. Now I have to work on my dreams. Damn dreams. Even if I only get an hour of sleep a night my dreams are all the same. Well maybe tonight that might change. I'll let you know tomorrow, or later today whatever the case may be.

As an update to all of my sorrow and blah, blah, blah (you're all probably tired of hearing it). Sunday morning sucked major ass. I mean major hairy monkey after a week of explosive diarrhea ass. But with the help of some friends (family I'd like to say), all in all it ended on a decent note. I'm getting there. I still can't see then end, it's really no where in sight yet but I'm getting there, I know I am. Thanks again buddies. Thanks a lot.

Let Me Try

Let me try and be optimistic and hopeful of the future. Ummmm, yeah I don't know how to begin. All I can say is I have great friends. They keep me up and breathing at times when I don't think I can by myself. Times are tuff buddy, but what am I gonna do? When you give all of yourself and it's not enough then there's nothing you can do. It wasn't meant to be I guess. I'm ranting now. It's funny I'm supposed to be "optimistic", I think this is the complete opposite. Okay here goes again, optimistic...... everything has been soo blurry lately, but I think that every day I get more and more moments of clarity. I can focus a little more each day. There are still bad days. Yesterday was one of them. But even on the bad days I have moments when I laugh and moments when I think I'll be alright. There, that was it. That was the optimism. There will be more. Hey I said I was going to try I didn't say this was going to be a revelation or a layout of all the good things to come.

I know the feeling of "loneliness" now, having someone there and feeling completely alone. Someone once said, "that feeling you have, then out of nowhere". That sums up a lot. It meant enough for me to cry.

Thanks

Thanks to all of my friends who are helping me get through this hard time in my life. The only thing that keeps me from breaking down all of the time is you guys. You know who you are, I haven't stopped talking to you once in the last few days. Thanks a lot guys. It will take time, but thanks to your help I think I can do it. Thank you so much.

Things I Shouldn't Do

I SHOULDN'T WRITE BLOGS!!!! I FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT!!! Damn I did it again. I'd like to go on here and write something good. All of the crap that I've written lately I don't normally write. I hate going back and reading that shit. It bugs me. Always has probably always will. So seeing as I've already wrote another blog (being the idiot that i am), this one will probably be the last one for a while. I think it's time to start keeping my thoughts to myself. I'll write something later whenever my brain decides to work with the rest of my body, but who knows how long that will be. My only concern is what will happen when this "pressure release valve" is removed? I guess I'll find out soon enough.

Later.